


Out of the Doldrums

by trippieseojoon



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: F/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:21:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26878090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippieseojoon/pseuds/trippieseojoon
Summary: Something that looks like fate brings Bora back into Siyeon’s life and, like everything involving her, it’s a bit too much. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.A Suayeon rock band guitarists AU.
Relationships: Kim Bora | SuA/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Out of the Doldrums

Kicking the back of his heel with each step he takes, the desire to keep pacing vanishes the second his eyes land on her. Siyeon squishes the cigarette filter between his fingertips as he takes her in. It feels surreal. He's thankful she doesn't notice him. She's too distracted by her phone to meet his gaze. It's for the best and Siyeon should _really_ look away. 

It's just been so long since he's seen Bora in person. 

“Hi!” 

Siyeon's focus is lost and he tries to zero in on the woman hesitant to approach him. Phone out, Siyeon knows what's coming and it isn't a big deal. It never is to him, but he's scared of Bora disappearing. His eyes bounce back-and-forth between the two of them as he forces a smile onto his lips. Realizing the wind is carrying smoke towards the woman, he quickly tosses his cigarette away. 

“Hey.” 

“Sorry, I just— Could I get a picture with you? I can't believe I got this lucky.” 

“Yeah, of course. Where are you coming from?”

“Me?" she echoes with large eyes, "Taiwan. I was with family. What about you?"

Siyeon decides to take hold of the woman’s phone and take the selfie. He can't help but be amused by the squeal the woman tries to hold back as he urges her closer and under his arm. 

Bora’s still near that pick-up area. She's further down, but close enough that Siyeon can see the new piercings gracing her ear.

“Osaka.” he focuses on the woman’s eyes through the phone screen, “Let’s do a serious one first. Then, dumb.” 

The woman’s eyes shine, making her serious expression lighter than it should be. It's cute. Siyeon ends up smiling for the second one, a big goofy grin that makes the woman laugh. 

“Oh my God. Thank you so much!” the woman stops herself from bowing as she gets her phone back, “Osaka? Are you doing any shows back in Busan soon?” 

“Oh, always. I swear you're familiar. You've been to them before. You're from there?”

“Yeah. I've seen you play at the Borderline with Devil’s Kiss, like, four times. And one solo show!”

“Say hi next time, yeah? What's your name?”

“Jisoo.” 

“Jisoo. Got it. I don't know when it'll be, but my next show in Busan you'll be on the list. So you better come.” 

“Oh my God.”

Siyeon's smile falters as his eyes move right into Bora’s gaze. The way her lips threaten to curve makes Siyeon completely lose his train of thought. They're going to _have_ to talk now. Which, that's what he wants. It shouldn't be an issue, shouldn't be nerve-wracking. But the thought alone is doing a number on his heart. 

Bora looks back down at her phone, but there's no way she's actually reading anything. 

“I'll see you there, yeah?” 

“Definitely!”

“It was nice meeting you.” he doesn't mean to mumble or rush, and tries to make up for it by placing a hand on Jisoo’s shoulder as he says goodbye with a nod. 

Bora has headphones in her ears, ones that she pulls out once Siyeon approaches. 

“I saw you earlier and was wondering when the hell you were gonna notice me.” he jokes.

“If you had more than one groupie, maybe you'd be more of an eye sore, you know? I only looked your way because of some baby crying. Was louder than my music.”

“Funny.” 

Bora’s smirk of satisfaction makes his heart flutter. If he wasn't so glad to see her, he'd be disappointed in himself. He's a bit too easy. He always has been when it comes to Bora. This isn't supposed to be life-changing in any sense, but he feels like the smile on his lips is going to be permanent for the rest of the day.

Even with everything that they've been through, he still doesn't know if he's just too weak or if Bora is just too much.

“How've you been?” Bora asks.

“Alright. You?”

“Alright.” 

“Good. I know you've been all over the place recently, right?”

“nano is taking a R&R week. This is the first break I've had in months.” 

“You could go anywhere in the world and you came back here. That's surprising.”

nano was Bora’s big break. That band makes more than Siyeon thinks he'll ever see in his lifetime. Fancy sponsors, five-star hotels, arena tours… It really is hard to believe that Bora is back. She's been in Europe for a couple weeks, Siyeon knows that. He tries not to let social media eat away his time, but he finds himself more often than not searching up Bora at 2AM after a night of drinking. 

It feels like Bora knows it, too. 

“I fucking hate this place, but it's my home. I get homesick.”

“Your apartment is probably filled with spiders.”

“Probably.”

Bora looks down at her phone. She rushes to put an earbud in and answer it. 

“Yo. Where the fuck are you…? I landed 20 minutes ago. You knew that. What do you mean you're just now leaving…? Honestly, it's fine. I'll just get an Uber.”

She hangs up in a huff and Siyeon can't help but chuckle. 

“Hyungwon is a fucking idiot.” 

“I'm surprised he said he'd come get you in the first place.” the thought of Bora’s brother makes him laugh even more, “I thought you learned to stop relying on him ages ago.”

“I give the benefit of the doubt when I can. Maybe too much.”

Siyeon doesn't like the way Bora looks at him as she says it. He doesn't really know what to say, but he doesn't look elsewhere as Bora goes back to her phone.

“Nah.” Siyeon utters as Bora pulls up Uber, “One of my guys is getting me. You can ride with me. We can take you home, if you want.” 

“Do I?”

“We could go grab a beer or something.” 

Her eyes get bright and she scrunches up her nose before nodding, "Okay. Does that mean we have to make awkward conversation until he gets here or are we gonna save that for when we have alcohol?”

"It's literally not awkward at all." he lies. 

"What did you think when you saw me? Be honest."

This is one of the things he's always admired. She's blunt. Straight to the point, almost shameless. Her waxed brow is curved in almost a taunting way. He laughs, unsure himself of what exactly he thought when he first saw her. He _felt_ more than he thought. 

"I thought… I should look away." 

"Why?" 

He keeps his gaze on the cars starting and stopping to pick up people, "I didn't want things to start coming back. You know, memories and shit."

"Well, shit happens. What does ignoring that do?"

"Make me feel better?" 

"For how long, though?"

"Point received." he laughs it off, feeling her gaze on him. 

"So, who's getting us?" 

Siyeon can't casually escape haze clouding his mind from her words, but tries his best. 

"Uh, my friend Nobu. He owns this venue we perform at a lot."

"An every Wednesday night kind of gig? You guys are better than that."

"Are we?" 

Siyeon catches sight of a familiar SUV. He steps out some and waves. When he reaches down to grab his guitar case, he realizes it's not there. He left it back where he was standing before. Miraculously, it's still there. He rushes to grab it and almost breaks his neck as he does. Bora's amusement is hard not to take pride in. He's flustered by the time Nobu rolls up.

"Yo yo yo." he sings as they open the doors.

Bora doesn't hesitate to hop in the back of the SUV. Siyeon can't even help her with her suitcases. He waits until she seems good before going to pop his guitar in the trunk. Nobu seems confused, but just smiles once he's in the front seat. 

"You're who I think you are." he utters, eyes on Bora in the rearview mirror.

She gives him a purposefully awkward grin. 

"What the fuck, man?" 

Siyeon shrugs, "Don't ask me. Life is weird." 

"We actually know each other.”

"What the _fuck,_ man?!" 

"Tell me about it." 

Siyeon really isn't prepared to give any explanation. None of the guys know about Bora. Even if he did want to tell them about her, he wouldn’t even know where to start. Bora, and everything related to her, is complicated. There’s so many conflicting feelings racing through his mind. But, ultimately, he’s just glad. 

He’ll never _not_ miss Bora.

Being this close to her feels a bit surreal. 

Nobu and her start talking while his mind wanders. He remembers the last time they shared a space. He tries not to think about the fact that she probably doesn’t. It’d been at that stupid release party when everything had gone to shit. He’d been pre-T then. As if anything else could make the memory _more_ sour.

He hadn’t even been drunk enough to blame that argument on alcohol. He’d just been thoughtless. Insecurity tore things off his tongue he hadn’t meant. He still wondered if it was the same for Bora. Surely. 

His eyes bounced up to the rearview mirror. 

“Yeah, man. Shit is literally insane. Touring with them still doesn’t make sense.”

“Who? Kickstart?” he asks, deciding to join the conversation.

“Yeah.”

“Turns out they put their pants on one leg at a time— just like the rest of us.” Nobu laughs, “Or whatever the fuck.” 

“It feels like I’ve been living in a dream for the past six months.” 

“I mean, even the tours Devil’s Kiss do feel surreal and I don’t even travel with them. I can’t imagine how intense it gets for you guys.” Nobu insists. 

“You finished one recently, right? We were actually in Nagoya together, I think.” 

Siyeon feels his breath get stuck in his throat. They’d been that close and he hadn’t even realized it. Why hadn’t Bora reached out to him? Had she even wanted to? Did she even want to be talking to him now? She’d agreed to get a drinks, but suddenly Siyeon felt unsure about the entire situation.

“The world works in wild ways! Yo, where am I going, by the way? To yours?” he asks looking over to Siyeon. 

“Uh— Bora, do you wanna drop your stuff off at your place or mine?”

“Yours is fine. I can’t believe you’re acting like we aren’t going to end up spending the night together.”

Scared to confirm whether she’s joking or not, Siyeon forces out a laugh, “You haven’t changed.” 

“Unlike someone I know.” 

She could be talking about multiple things. Whether it be one or several, Siyeon doesn’t know. Nobu gazes at him with a funny look on his face and he just shakes her head in response. 

The traffic on the way to Siyeon’s isn’t too bad. Thankfully, Bora and Nobu could make conversation with a brick wall if forced to. So, Siyeon doesn’t have to sit in silence. He listens to every single thing Bora says. He’s been missing out on so much. It really is insane that Bora’s as big as she is now. 

She deserves it. He can’t be bitter about it if he even tries. 

“Do you need help with your stuff? You can leave my guitar. Nobu's gonna take it.”

“Nah, just give me the keys.” Bora insists as she gets out of the car once they park at the complex.

Siyeon gets out too and watches as Bora manages to collect her things with no trouble at all. 

“I can walk you up there, at least.”

“Do you think I don’t remember your apartment number? E2, right?”

He isn’t sure if it makes him happy or wistful, “Right.”

With a flash of a grin, she takes the keys and makes her way further into the complex. Nobu lets out a dramatic cough. 

“So…”

“It’s a lot.” Siyeon mutters as he joins him back in the car. 

“I can get those vibes. I’m kind of jealous. She’s hot as fuck. She’s too cool to know someone like you.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“Did things end on bad terms?”

“Something like that. We weren’t even technically together, but shit. I don’t know. It’s a lot, man.” 

“Well, you’re hanging out. So, that’s good, right?”

“Maybe.” 

He just laughs and Siyeon fishes his pack of cigarettes out the side door. 

Bora doesn’t take long. Siyeon doesn’t even consider her lingering or exploring up there. She isn’t the type. But part of him wants her to be. Is she curious about how he is nowadays? How he lives? He knows that he wants to know every single detail about her and how she lives these days. 

He isn’t surprised when she asks for a cigarette before they get moving. She tucks it behind her ear. She’s never been a real smoker, but it never takes much to get her chain smoking after a night of drinking. 

“Wanna drop us off at Jiso’s?” 

“Sure sure. That works. I was gonna meet Namjoon at the studio. He’s up to something.”

“He keeps saying that.” 

Nobu chuckles. 

“So, what? It’s you, Namjoon, Jisung, Daehyun, and Lily still?”

Siyeon nods as they meet eyes in the rearview mirror.

“I’m surprised Lily isn’t a solo show now.”

“She could be.”

“As extra as she is, you’d think she’d at least be a B-lister by now.”

Nobu cackles loudly and Siyeon just lifts a brow. She’s always been critical of Lily. If Siyeon didn’t know any better, he’d say jealous. Things have changed and her tone doesn’t sit right with him, but he holds his tongue. He doesn’t even know if he wants to let Bora know that they were a thing for a while. Would she get jealous? The idea becomes tempting the longer he thinks about it. 

There’s really nothing to be jealous _of._ Bora is in a league of her own and she deserves to know that. 

“You sound jealous, but I don’t get why. If we’re talking vocals, you have her beat.” he says only half-jokingly. 

“Jealous?” she lets out a laugh, “As if. I just don’t have patience for bird-brains.” 

“She is pretty dumb sometimes. Even she’ll admit that.” Nobu adds. 

Even Siyeon can’t disagree.

When they roll up to Jiso’s, Nobu sighs in content.

“Can’t believe I got to play chauffeur to nano’s kick-ass guitarist. Today was great.” 

“It was nice meeting you, man.” 

He waits until Bora is out of the car before winking at Siyeon and offering him a fist. 

“Good luck.” he whispers as Siyeon bumps him. 

It’s not crowded at all considering the time. The old dive bar reeks of cigarettes and whiskey. It’s familiar. Siyeon and the band spent nights there more often than not and _always_ after shows. Bora is leading them to a booth in the back. She has a worrisome smile on her face once they get comfortable.

“You look good.” she finally utters. 

It’s so left-field that Siyeon can only laugh, “Thanks. So do you.”

“Oh, I know.” she grabs the bar card and looks it over as she talks, “How long have you been on hormones?”

“Coming on seven months.”

“Most importantly, how do you feel?”

He grins, “Good. Really good, honestly.” 

“Yeah. Happy is a really good look on you.” Bora holds up the bar card, “Am I buying the first round?”

“No way. I got it. What do you want?”

“A true gentleman.” she jokes dryly, “Just a honey jack and coke.”

“Cool.”

He gets up and heads to the bar, mind frazzled at the sight of Bora’s subtle smirk. She looks incredible up close, somehow even more so under the bar’s dim lighting. This feels like a dream. They’re actually doing this. What he’s signing up for by doing so, he doesn’t know. But he’s ready. 

“So, where were you coming back from? At the airport.” she asks the second he comes back with their drinks. 

“Osaka. I booked a gig out there for some solo stuff a while back ago and met a dope producer. We just spent a day together, messed around with some sounds.” 

“I’ve been scared to listen to your solo shit.”

“Scared I wrote about you?”

“I know you did.”

He laughs. She’s right. 

“What can I say?” he takes a drink of his whiskey, the warmth in his chest moving to his face as he meets her eyes.

“Well, I mean, I expected it. What did you write about?”

“I…” his nerves fuel another laugh, “Just you.” 

“I could write about you too, you know.” 

“Yeah? Good things I hope.” 

Siyeon tries not to outwardly cringe at the thoughts and feelings that resurface. He knows he’d been annoying. Clingy. Dramatic even. What he once blamed on love he now just blames on insecurity and inexperience. If he wants to be _too_ honest, he could toss some blame on his desire to control everything as well. He knows no one is perfect, but he can’t help but feel embarrassed. 

“Plenty of good things.” 

He can say the same for Bora. Not every song he’d written about her had been about heartache, about losing her. 

“I could write about your smile all day, but it makes for bad music.”

Bora laughs, the smile that makes his heart swell appearing full force. It’s crazy how comfortable he feels flirting with her. It’s natural. The way they’ve already fallen back into talking is so natural that it’s scary. He likes to think it means that what they have is bigger than hurt egos and miscommunication. He hopes. 

“Don’t fucking look at me like that.” she scoffs in amusement, and he wonders what his eyes are even saying. 

“Sorry. This just feels surreal.” 

“Yeah.”

He wants to say he’s missed her, but he keeps it in. It stays silent after that. Bora keeps her gaze on her drink and Siyeon wonders what she’s thinking. When she speaks, he’s surprised by where her head is at. 

“There’s an elephant.” she sits back, “But, shit, I don’t even know if it’s worth talking about. I don’t hold any of that shit against you. Not that I’m expecting you to feel the same. You feel what you feel.” 

“An elephant…” he echoes quietly. 

“Even after all the drunk ‘I’m sorry’ texts, I still felt bitter about you calling me a slut but I know you were mad. The one thing I was forreal pissed about I got over.” 

“I was pissed about… a lot. Not gonna lie. But I— I like to think I know where I fucked up. Literally and in my thinking. We were terrible at communicating.” 

“I was clear about my desire to not be exclusive to anyone.”

“And I was clear about wanting you to tell me when you were fucking around with other people.”

One side of Bora’s lips twitches, “Fair enough.”

“I—”

“And I never really actually apologized. So, I’m sorry. If it makes it any better, I really didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

Siyeon’s heart is in his throat. A genuine apology from her is something that had kept him up at night for months after they’d stopped talking. He’d eventually forced it from his mind, but those sleepless nights and the emotions with them come rushing back as he holds Bora’s gaze. 

“I didn’t mean to fuck you up and I hate that I did. What we had was more than just a few good orgasms, you know?” 

“Yeah.” he nods slowly, “I liked to think so.”

“Do you have any hard feelings still? We might as well lay this shit out. I feel like we ran into each other for a reason.” 

Does he still have any hard feelings? Is he actually over the betrayal he felt when he discovered that Bora was sleeping with two other people? He’s liked to think so up until this point, but he feels nauseous thinking about the entire situation suddenly. He never imagined this conversation happening this way. 

Bora is so willing. 

The thing starting to make his throat tight isn’t hard feelings or Bora’s willingness. 

It’s the fact that any of that shit had happened in the first place.

“I just hate that it happened, honestly.” he tries to make the mood lighter, “But shit happens. Out of my control at this point.”

“Your therapist tell you that?”

“Many times.”

Bora downs the rest of her drink before insisting, “My therapist tells me I’m scared of commitment.”

“Wow, where’d she get that from?”

Bors feigns annoyance before laughing. She gets up and stretches and Siyeon can’t help but notice the way her shirt rides up as she does. Her style hasn’t changed. All black, clothes that are tight in just the right ways and places. Silver decorates her fingers in various different rings. 

She points to what he realizes is his drink.

“I’m gonna get one more. That one was weak as fuck. Do you want anything else?”

“Nah.”

“Well, that’s one more thing that hasn’t changed.” 

He just smiles and watches her as she heads off towards the bar. It takes a moment before he realizes what she’d said. He puts up a curious brow when she returns with another jack and coke in hand.

“One more thing?”

“What?” she barks back as if she has no idea what he means.

“You said one _more_ thing that hasn’t changed.” 

“Your hair hasn’t changed. I’m glad you didn’t cut it, by the way. It still suits you.” she quickly adds after taking a drink, “You’ve always looked hot with long hair.”

_Hot._

“Yeah, I don’t plan on getting rid of it. Chicks love guys with long hair anyway.”

“Gross.”

“With the kind of tours you’re doing I can’t imagine all the groupies you get.”

“It’s nice. But it’s more guys than girls. Men see a girl doing literally anything that isn’t cooking in a kitchen and their dicks get obnoxiously hard. They really don’t leave me the fuck alone when we do tours in America. It’s fucking annoying.” 

“Can’t relate.” 

“Do you still not fuck them?”

Siyeon smirks, “Also hasn’t changed. You know I’ve never been a one-night stand kind of person.” 

“You’re so fucking boring.” 

“I mean, _you_ fucked me. A lot. What does that say about you?” 

“I’m human. We all have moments of weakness.” 

“Are you sure you want to stay with me tonight, by the way?”

He’s asking just because he wants confirmation of where this night will probably end. He wants Bora too, but he can’t say that straight outright. Not right now anyway. He isn’t drunk. His whiskey almost gone, he’s actually considering another. The liquid confidence so far has been nice. If they’re going to actually spend the night together, the more, the better. 

However, catching sight of the cigarette Bora has tucked behind her ear makes him want something else more. 

“Before you answer that— I hate smoking in bars. Wanna go outside?”

Bora grabs her glass and slyly tucks it under the inside of her leather jacket, “Sure.” 

Siyeon just drinks the rest of his whiskey and stuffs his hands in his pockets as they leave the bar. He laughs when Bora pulls her drink back out. The evening sun is finally starting to set. The city around them is so busy, but he can’t focus on anything aside from Bora. She does a little dance as she drinks. Once he gets a cigarette out and lit, Bora finally speaks.

“You know I do.”

He tries not to smile. 

“I feel like we have so much to catch up on.”

“It’s been months.”

“And you look so different. I can’t believe hormones can do that.”

He beams. It’s hard for him to believe himself, honestly. It’s not like he looks completely different than before, but things have definitely changed. His face is more square. Broader shoulders. Then there’s his voice. Which, it had only started dropping a few months ago. It’s only going to get lower. 

“Why’d you stick with Siyeon? Am I allowed to ask that? Why not something more manly?”

“Siyeon sounds cool. I don’t know. I’ve never cared about being manly. I just care about being myself.”

“It is cool. And it suits you, for sure.” Bora seems embarrassed, “Sorry if I sounded ignorant or something.”

“You’re fine. Besides, ignorance isn’t a bad thing if you’re willing to learn.”

“Too kind. Too kind.” 

“That’s me.” 

Bora puts her drink on the ground near her feet and takes the cigarette from behind her ear. Without a word, Siyeon hands her his lighter knowingly. 

“So, how does it work exactly? Hormones. Are you done taking them now?” 

“I wish. I basically have to take them forever unless I want things to start changing back to the way they were. You can’t just stop. If I get a hysto, then I _really_ can’t stop.” 

“Hysto?”

“Like, get my ovaries removed.”

“Do you want that?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t really get periods anymore. They don’t give me trouble.” 

“What the—? Maybe I should take testosterone.” 

He just laughs, “I still want kids, though. So, until then, I’m keeping them I guess.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, that didn’t change when I realized I was a guy.” 

Bora hums as she blows smoke from her nose, “Remember when we’d joke about you playing stay-at-home dad if we had kids?” 

"Of course I do."

He’s surprised she even remembers. He smiles until he realizes that they don’t have conversations like that anymore. They haven’t in awhile. She looks at him with a silly grin. 

“Wow.” 

“What?”

“The way you started staring at me.” 

Embarrassed, he doesn’t try to deny what she already knows. Being over her has always been a pipe dream. He accepted it a long time ago that she was _the one._ He’s still not sure if it’s a good or bad thing, but it doesn’t matter. It is what it is. Even dating Lily for a while hadn’t been a distraction from the fact. Bora’s special. 

He wonders what she thinks of him.

“Fuck, Siyeon.” 

“What?” 

“I wasn’t expecting this shit to hit so hard.” 

His heart starts thumping in his chest and when Bora gazes at him it freezes. Her voice is softer than normal as she playfully adds.

“Like I said, we had more than just a few orgasms together.” 

“Not that those few weren’t great.” 

“It was more than a few. Let’s be honest. Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.” 

“Taking testosterone changes your junk, right?” 

He cackles, but suddenly can’t look at her anymore, “Yeah.” 

“How’s that been going for you?” 

“Good.”

“Good.”

Just Bora even asking about his dick makes his skin heat up. He can hear her quietly laugh a little and he sees her finished cigarette fly into the street. He probably should’ve tossed his a long time ago. Doing the same, when he faces Bora, she’s got her glass to her lips again. 

“We should get out of here.” she mutters, “Uber or walking? You aren’t too too far from here.”

“Uber. I can get us one.”

“Cool. I guess I’m gonna return this glass.” 

“Are you actually gonna finish it? I’d throw up.” 

“That old man makes a weak drink.” she insists as she heads back inside.

He’s able to stand in the disbelief of the situation once Bora’s gone. Suddenly, things feel as if they’re moving too quickly. Going back to his apartment means being _alone_ with Bora. It’s already been hard enough to ignore what’s between them. She’d insinuated sleeping together. But did she really mean it? 

Bora was hardly ever just talk. He’s sure that hasn’t changed. 

He requests an Uber in a daze.

A hand molds to the small of his back and then the curve of his waist as Bora comes back, “You hold your phone like an old man.” 

“Thanks.” 

Bora cackles. She smells like his cigarettes but also an unfamiliar perfume. It’s earthy, probably a mix of several different oils. She used to wear peppermint and sage all the time. Whatever she’s wearing now smells just as good. Her hand is burning his skin, even over his t-shirt. She’s too close for comfort, but Siyeon can’t imagine wanting anything else. 

“It’s on its way.” 

“That jack is hitting a little now, not gonna lie. Glad we’re not walking. Don’t think I’d make it.”

“It’s not like you’re in shape sober, either.” he teases, “Can’t fool me.” 

“I didn’t ask.” 

The silence that surrounds them isn’t awkward. If it wasn’t for Bora being so close, he’d feel at peace. His body can’t ignore her, however. A subtle reminder of what once was hits him abruptly and it shouldn’t be so hard to swallow. But, fuck. He’s _really_ missed her. He’s still surprised to know that this is hitting her just as hard. She does have her own way of showing it, though. 

She’s more proactive with her emotions. Siyeon just laughs as she lifts his arm so she can be under his hold. Her head falls against him and she sighs.

She’s really missed him too. 

When the Uber comes, they both get in the backseat. 

“Hey there. I’m guessing _you’re_ not Siyeon.”

The driver locks eyes with Siyeon in the rearview mirror. He freezes, unsure of how to react. Normally, drivers don’t question his name. Sometimes, he’ll get one that assumes ‘Siyeon’ is his sister or a random woman in his life. But this is the first time he’s been in this situation with someone else. Bora laughs casually as she scoots to the middle and puts a hand on his thigh as she speaks.

“That would be me.”

His tense frame relaxes and he looks to Bora thankfully. 

She doesn’t move her hand, though. It doesn’t take long for his body to force him to recognize the fact over-and-over again. Her being so close to the apex of his thigh shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but heat quickly starts to gather in places it shouldn’t. It simply being Bora’s affect on him aside, he’s like a teenage boy these days when it comes to his hormones. Even a hug with a stranger can turn him on if he lets it. 

When Bora goes to rest her head on his shoulder, it doesn’t make it any easier to ignore what his body is trying to say. He just wants to be closer. Even the smallest of movements, he can feel. When she absentmindedly starts rubbing his thigh, his leg twitches and she lifts her hand. He can feel her gaze.

“You good?” she mutters.

He tries to laugh it off, “Yeah, my bad.” 

She goes back to rubbing it and he tries to act normal. But it’s pointless. He realizes Bora knows what kind of power she has. He’d probably made it painfully obvious. The casual up-and-down dragging of her hand changes. Near the top of his thigh, she starts massaging it instead. His neck heats up in an instant. 

It really doesn’t take much. Situations when he gets a hard-on in public are usually laughable, but this one is too much to even laugh at. If Bora wasn’t Bora, he’d joke about how he loves having a small dick because that means no one ever knows when he pops an inconvenient boner. But Bora _is_ Bora. She’s the cause of it and he’s sure she knows it. 

Every motion of her hand makes him throb against the fabric of his boxer briefs. 

He keeps his gaze out the window, trying not to focus on it. When they finally do pull up to his apartment, he isn’t sure if he’s relieved or disappointed. He thanks their driver as he gets out and waits for Bora on the sidewalk. The look in her eyes makes him lift a brow. She seems playful and he knows acting innocent will just edge her on. 

“I was turning you on, wasn’t I?” 

He can’t resist smirking and she laughs loudly, walking past him towards the apartment.

“You’re worse than a fucking book!”

He waits until they get to his door before he taunts, “You know I have the keys, right?” 

“Well then, hurry up.” 

The lights are still on when they get in. He can’t believe Bora is actually in his apartment. Her bags are near the door still. He starts kicking off his shoes and laughs when he sees Bora’s hit the wall near his feet. Unsure of what to say, he’s so focused on thinking of something funny or smooth that when hands take his hips— he loses his train of thought. Bora lets him turn around in her grip and she walks him back so he’s against the wall. 

“Are we gonna pretend we aren’t gonna fuck or what?”

He laughs in disbelief, but the look in her eyes is more serious than her tone. Suddenly air is hard to find. She presses her body up against his and his hands hesitate before resting on top of Bora’s.

Are they? 

Before he can respond, she asks, “I wanna see something.”

“What?”

She holds his gaze as her fingers go to the button at the top of his jeans. The soft sound of her undoing it and his zipper alone makes his body react and his entire being anticipates her touch as a hand slips into his underwear. Bora’s fingers brush along the length of his cock and when she grabs it, the breath he was holding in escapes. 

She mutters, “You’re so hard for me.”

Muscles tense then second she starts jerking him off. Slowly, she moves up-and-down along his shaft. He can’t remember the last time he felt so turned on. Eyes closing in pleasure, he focuses on how Bora’s touch feels. Her warm but callous fingers feel unfamiliar, but the way she’s moving feels incredible. It shouldn’t feel this good. But it’s been months since he’s been touched like this and it’s felt like a lifetime since him and Bora have been in any kind of position like this. 

She uses a finger to tease the head of his cock and a shiver races through his limbs. 

“Does that feel good…?”

“Yeah. Fuck…” he moans once she starts jerking him off again, twisting her grip gently every time she moves near the head of his cock.

“Yeah?”

Her free hand takes hold of his cheek to get him to look at her. His heart or mind can’t prepare for it, so when Bora kisses him— he’s sure his satisfaction and surprise leak into the way he kisses her back. The second he gets a taste of her, he needs more. He’s able to disregard all the memories that rush to the surface as their lips meld together and just focus on her. There’s no hesitance, no nerves. She knows what she wants and the longer they kiss, the more it starts to feel like all she wants is genuinely just him. 

Bora’s steady pace makes it hard for him to stand still. His hips buck up into her hand every so often and she starts to move faster in an effort to give him what he needs. He’s so close he can taste it and the realization makes him try to stall. He doesn’t want this to be over yet. He can’t get his mind to wander anywhere else because Bora’s hand feels so good. He gently grabs her arm as she breaks the kiss.

“Am I doing something wrong?” she immediately asks, her fingers slowing down.

Siyeon shakes his head, “No, no. I just— I don’t wanna cum yet.”

He realizes the mistake he’s made the second the words fall off his tongue. Bora starts playing with the head of his cock again, eyes colored with mischief. His jaw slacks as she slowly strokes him, lingering at the tip each time to tease. 

“I want you to. Right in my hand, baby.” 

Bora’s coo draws a moan out of him and she kisses his lips before moving along his jaw. Her fingers suddenly start picking up speed and his hips rise as she gets him off. He can feel his orgasm start to overwhelm his senses and air feels like it can’t get to his lungs fast enough. Bora’s tongue teases his ear and her sweet somethings stick to his eardrum.

“You’re so fucking hard, baby… Oh my god.” 

He starts muttering curses, Bora’s voice doing exactly what it intended to. His hand tightens around her wrist as his orgasm comes, forcing his entire body to fall victim to it. She’s kissing his neck while he writhes between her body and the wall. Her pace is still quick, milking his climax in a way that makes it impossible to be quiet.

The second their eyes meet again he goes to kiss her. Her finger just languidly plays with his throbbing length as his body calms down. Soon, her hand leaves his pants and she holds both of his cheeks as they makeout. She tastes just as good as he remembers. The cigarettes and alcohol can’t water her down. 

Siyeon holds her hips close to his, the heat between them making him attempt to rub up against her the best he can. 

She breaks the kiss momentarily to breathe, “Yeah, you better still have energy to fuck me.” 

He does more than hear each word she says. Not ready to leave her lips, he forces himself to and silently nods towards the hall. Excitement pumps through his veins as Bora grabs his wrist this time and leads him back to his room. Things haven’t changed much since the last time she’d been over. But she looks around anyway after flicking on the lights. 

He doesn’t get time to think of anything to say, Bora pulls him close again but not before taking off her jacket. She tosses it aside and pulls her shirt up over her head to do the same. He can only take her body in. Full curves keep his attention until Bora holds his face again so they can kiss. His hands find her hips naturally. 

“Do you have a toy?” 

“Yeah. Give me a minute.”

She gently takes his lips once more before letting him go. He tries not to act rushed as he hurries to his dresser. The toy and its harness are where they always are. He doesn’t think twice about stripping where he stands. Normally, he goes to the bathroom to get ready but he feels comfortable with Bora. Even pre-t, he always had.

He’s binding with his tape today. Which, disappointment crosses his mind briefly, because that means Bora can’t touch his chest the way he wants her to. The boxer brief harness on, he pulls his original boxer briefs up over them for support. The harness is usually fine on its own if he’s gentle, but he knows better than to trust it with Bora. He makes sure the toy is secure as he turns around. Still playing with his dick, he meets Bora’s gaze. 

She’s naked too aside from her panties. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she has a small smirk on her face. 

“Your body really has changed.”

“Well, yeah.” he laughs, slightly sheepish. 

Bora motions him forward and the second he gets close, she forces them to switch positions. He watches in disbelief as she gets on her knees between his legs. Warm hands rub up along his thighs and she doesn’t hesitate to lick the tip of his cock. She holds his gaze as she takes it into her mouth. 

“Fuck.” 

One hand holding his shaft, she starts sucking him off. The toy is pressing up against his actual length and the noises her mouth makes gets him hard again within minutes. She must notice because she starts to gently force the toy to rub against him. But once it seems lubed up enough, she stops. 

It’s once they’re both on the bed and he’s on top of her does the reality of the situation hit him. They’re sleeping together. He’s actually getting this intimate with her again… There’s something special about this happening with her now that his body matches more how he feels inside. Pre-t, he’d only ever dreamt of this. 

Bora guides his length as he slides into her. He can’t see her since his face is buried near her jaw, but he hears a quiet moan as he fills her up. He thrust slowly, letting Bora adjust to him inside of her. Eventually, her hand comes back up from between their bodies and he takes that as a sign that everything feels okay. He starts to move a little faster. 

“You feel so good. What the fuck…?” she moans, her fingers digging into his back. 

The feeling urges him to be more forceful. Bora’s always liked things a bit more rough than normal. She’s already got a leg hooked over his hip. He’s panting with each thrust, making sure he goes as deep as he can with each stroke. Bora isn’t as quiet as he is. Sounds of satisfaction flow from her lips. 

A hand messily urges him to look at her so she can pull his mouth down to meet her lips. Labored breaths stain his lips as she makes an effort to keep him close.

“You feel so fucking good.” 

His abs start to ache given the way he’s moving, but he doesn’t stop. Holding his weight up with one hand, he uses the other to go and rub her clit and she groans. Her body still responds to him the same. He still knows what she likes, what she needs. It doesn’t feel like the distance between them even existed in the first place. Not right now.

The way the toy rubs up against him as he thrusts into her doesn’t distract him from her pleasure, but Bora’s moans are forcing him towards a familiar edge.

“Fuck, Bora—”

A hand suddenly finds itself in his hair and Bora pulls him down so their lips can meet. The kiss is messy. Needy, just like Bora is. Thoughts of the last time they’d had sex start to flood his mind and it isn’t really much of a distraction. He’ll never forget her whimpers. The way she’d begged for him to fuck her. The look in her eyes as she rode him. The way her touch had felt.

He pulls away some just to take in the beauty of her pleasure-stricken features and finds himself swimming in disbelief again. 

Bora holds his gaze the best she can and he’s almost certain that she’s thinking the same thing. 

The grip in his hair gets tighter and Bora’s body tenses up. The way he can see ecstasy start to seep into her expression only fuels him to fuck her harder. A broken moan escapes her throat right before her orgasm hits and Siyeon marks her jaw and neck with kisses as she cums. Her legs tighten around his waist, but he does his best to keep his momentum going. Moans flood his ear and it must be too much because a hand quickly goes between them to urge his away from between her clit. Nails claw into his stomach.

Curses are leaving her lips and she keeps him close, even as he starts to slow down some. 

“Please don’t stop. Please don’t stop.” she whimpers, “Cum inside me.” 

Her words go straight between his legs. He thrusts with force, slowly, to get the most out of being inside of her. The toy rubs up against him in an overwhelming way when he has more control over it. He keeps his head down, face now buried in the sheets as he focuses on finishing. He’s so close he can taste it. Bora’s hands have moved to his back and her nails make home there. The pain feels good. 

“You feel so fucking good inside me, baby…” 

His breathing starts to get ragged, his orgasm quickly catching up to him. The thought of actually cumming inside of her pushes him over the edge and he groans as it hits him. Most of his weight is on her, as he can’t get close enough. She holds him tightly, moaning with him as she lifts her hips into him more once he stops moving inside of her. He can’t tell who’s breathing is who’s as they start to calm down. 

“Fuck…” he pants. 

The euphoria lingers. 

He isn’t sure how long they lay there in silence. Time suddenly seems obsolete. Bora’s hands become softer against his skin as she starts to rub his back. He feels weightless and taking notice of that makes him realize that he might be squishing her. He tries to move, but she stops him.

“Don’t.” 

Her whisper is gentle. More memories come. Are they going to do like they used to? Lay in bed for hours and fall in-and-out of pleasuring each other? Is Bora going to play with his hair and hum random melodies until one of them decides they need to smoke? Is she going to insist they skip town and forget about everything they leave behind? 

He doesn’t know and the feeling brings sudden uneasiness. 

What if Bora does none of that? What if she just leaves?

“How do you feel?” she wonders quietly, as if she can read his mind.

“Scared.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want this moment to end.”

Silence surrounds them again and his heart starts beating faster in his chest.

“You’re the only one I ever let get away with being so sappy after sex.”

He laughs in embarrassment and strains to lift his head. He’s met with a warm gaze. Bora pushes his hair back for him as she adds, “I’ve missed you, you know.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“We have to go outside to smoke, don’t we?”

He lets his head fall in the crevice of her neck before nodding. She groans in annoyance. This time, she lets him finally pull out of her. The shaky exhale that leaves her lips as he does turns him on again instantly. He can feel her eyes on him as he sits up and takes the toy out the harness. 

“I have a shirt you can throw on if you want.”

Her hair sprawled out on his pillow, she’s shamelessly keeping her chest out on full display. Her legs stay spread as he gets up from between them, “Thanks.”

He’s digging in his dresser for a larger shirt when hands wrap around his waist from behind. His abs tense as she trails down his stomach and slides into his underwear. The second she rubs against his cock, heat races between his legs. 

“Do you cum different now?”

“It definitely feels different. More quick, more intense.”

She just hums as she plays with his length. 

“But they don’t last as long. If that makes sense.”

“I think so.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to go again, though.” 

Amused, she stops, “We have all night.” 

“That we do.” 

It’s just an oversized striped shirt, but Bora looks good in his clothes. He slides his jeans back on before following her out to the terrace door in the living room. The shirt barely covers her ass and he has a hard time focusing on much of anything else until they get outside. Since he has his tape on, he never minds being out there without a shirt. The chill air feels good against his skin. 

Bora decides to fish his cigarettes and lighter out of his pocket for him. 

“So many memories.” she mutters after getting hers lit. 

“Yeah.”

“I think about them a lot.”

Siyeon smirks, “Who’s getting sappy now?”

“Oh, shut up. I know you love it.”

He’s sure it’s written all over his face. To save himself some embarrassment, he steps forward to lean over the railing. The neighborhood is empty. His eyes dance around to take in random things, but they have the strong desire to simply take in Bora. When he looks her way, she smiles as she speaks.

“Running into each other kind of feels like fate. I’d been scared to ever actually reach out again. To be honest.” 

“Me too.” 

There’s a question burning on his tongue, but he knows better than to ask it. What happens now? He’s not sure if Bora even has an answer. Knowing her, she doesn’t. She’s always been more of a go-with-the-flow type person. She seems relaxed. He wants to know what she’s thinking, what she’s hoping. 

At least he thinks. 

The uneasiness comes back and settles in his stomach. 

“Bora, I still have a lot of feelings for you.” 

It comes up almost like vomit. He only confesses it because nothing else is able to come to mind. What if Bora _does_ decide to make this a one-night thing? This is his only chance to be completely honest. His only chance to keep her here. He can’t fuck this up again. 

“No shit.” she laughs.

He can’t pull himself out of the hole he’s jumped in and his eyes stay glued to the city below him. He doesn’t want to know what she’s thinking anymore. He’s not going to be able to handle it. He’s sure. Surprise makes his muscles tense as Bora wraps her arms around him from behind.

“Me too. So, stop stressing about it. At least for tonight.” 

Her tone is more serious. Heartfelt almost, which has always been weird coming from her. Relief washes away almost everything, but the warmth of her body being so close doesn’t aid his thumping heart. 

“Can you do that?” 

“Maybe.” 

She pokes his stomach in response and he ends up laughing. Turning around in her hold, he’s met with a soft smile. 

“Fine.” he mutters in defeat. 

“Good boy.” 

Bora grabs his chin and kisses him. He really doesn’t need to overthink things right now. Bora is here. She still likes him. That’s all that matters. But things changed so suddenly last time. He isn’t sure if he can handle that again. The world must believe in him, however. 

It feels like fate after all.


End file.
